Prolonged Grief Disorder: Why Avoiding Grief Often Prolongs the Pain
“I just want to get back to the person I was before all of this happened.”
This is one of the most honest statements I hear in my practice as a clinical psychologist. Whether you have lost a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or close friend, the desire to return to life “before the loss” is completely natural. When grief persists for an extended period, it can evolve into Prolonged Grief Disorder. Unfortunately, healing from profound grief rarely works by trying to outrun it.
Grief Is Not Something You Can Outrun
One of the most common misconceptions about loss is that time alone heals all wounds. In reality, time only heals when emotional processing takes place. Many people unintentionally postpone grief rather than work through it. They stay constantly busy, overly distracted, or emotionally numb, hoping the pain will simply vanish.
Common ways people try to outrun grief include:
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Overworking: Immersing yourself in endless hours at the office.
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Constant Stimulation: Throwing yourself into new relationships, excessive travel, or packed schedules.
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Numbing Behaviors: Relying on alcohol, drugs, compulsive spending, or other quick fixes to escape uncomfortable thoughts.
While these behaviors offer temporary relief, they ultimately delay the necessary work of mourning. Unaddressed grief doesn’t fade—it hides. Over time, it leaks into work performance, strains key relationships, and damages long-term emotional health.
Key Takeaway: Avoidance lessens discomfort today, but it compounds emotional suffering tomorrow.
Understanding Prolonged Grief Disorder
Experiencing intense sorrow after losing someone central to your life is standard. Grief itself is not a mental health condition; it is a human response to deep love and loss.
However, for some individuals, the grieving process remains persistently overwhelming long after the loss occurs. It severely impairs daily function, keeps you frozen in place, and prevents you from connecting with others.
When severe grief persists continuously beyond expected cultural or personal timelines, it may align with Prolonged Grief Disorder (a diagnosis recognized in the DSM-5-TR).
The Goal of Therapy for Prolonged Grief Disorder
The goal of grief counseling is not to erase your memories, tell you to “get over it,” or force you to forget the person who died. Instead, therapy helps you gradually integrate the loss into your life so it no longer stops you from living with clarity, purpose, and connection.
You Don’t Go Back to Your “Old Self”
When clients tell me, “I just want to become the person I used to be,” my response is direct yet compassionate:
The person you were before the loss cannot fully return. Not because you are broken beyond repair, but because significant loss permanently alters your life’s landscape. The loss becomes part of your story.
Therapy is not about returning you to a previous version of yourself. It is about helping you become a healthy, resilient version of the person you are now—someone who carries the honor of that relationship while rediscovering personal meaning, joy, and direction.
How Therapy Helps Overcome Prolonged Grief Disorder
Grief therapy provides a safe, structured environment to face painful feelings you may have spent months or years dodging.
Working together, we focus on tactical, evidence-based steps to help you:
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Process the reality of the loss without getting overwhelmed.
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Break avoidance patterns that maintain internal suffering.
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Establish healthy methods to honor and remember your loved one.
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Rebuild your identity and sense of purpose.
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Re-engage in relationships and meaningful daily goals.
Facing grief takes courage, but it is the primary bridge to lasting peace.
Building Your “New Normal”
Grief rarely vanishes entirely. Most people carry love—and a touch of sorrow—for deceased loved ones throughout their lives.
Over time, however, the pain becomes manageable. Fond memories gradually replace emotional sharp edges, balancing grief with gratitude and affection.
The goal isn’t to erase your past; the goal is to help you build a meaningful future.
Ready to Move Forward?
If you feel frozen in grief, struggling with burnout, or navigating a difficult life transition, you don’t have to carry the weight alone.
Dr. Joseph T. Jones provides confidential, direct, and goal-oriented virtual therapy across California (Medicare and major insurance plans accepted).
📞 Call or Text: (760) 235-1364
📧 Email: drjones@josephtjones.com
